Allo Allo
BBC Television, Series 7 Episodes 10 & 11
Episodes Summarised by Emma Shane
© August 2006 (ammended April 2007)
Well they certainly made
pretty good use of having a big strong loud-voiced girl with the nimble fingers
and near-perfect comic timing of a famous puppeteer and the graceful movement
and singing abilities of a
Series 7, Episode 10
The episode opens in the
Cafe, where Rene, played by Gordon Kaye is stuffing a string of cooked
sausages down his trousers, which he explains directly to the audience (the only
time somebody does this) is to feed the British Airmen who are currently stuck
on a ledge down a drain under the town square. It seems they were hiding in the
cellar of the chateau, the plan had been to float them out to see through the
sewers, but they went along the wrong sewer. One of the waitresses Yvette,
played by Vicki Michelle enters, just in time to help Rene try to hide a
mustard pot on a string down his trousers. It which crucial moment Rene’s wife
Edith, played by Carmen Silvera enters, and shoes Yvette away (clearly
not liking her being so intimate with her husband). Michelle of the resistance
enters, played by Kirsten Cooke, and with her Allo Allo
catchphrase “Listen very carefully I shall say this only once” (actually
it sounds more like “Lesson very carefully I shall say zis only once” informs
Rene that her resistance girls are busy adapting his mother-in-law Mme Fanny’s
wheelchair, so that a tank of soup can be hidden under it, to deliver to the
airmen. Enter the other waitress, Mimi, played by Sue Hodge, with the
news that Mme Fanny has had a row with LeClerc and gone off on a visit
somewhere. Michelle decided that Edith will have to pretend to be Fanny (her
mother).
In the square, Alfonse, the
undertaker, played by Kenneth Connor, is attempting to see what can be
done about the rusty grating, when Crabtree the Gendarme, played by Arthur
Bostrum walks up, and enquires what he is doing. Alfonse explains about the
Airmen, Crabtree understands, he is evidently in on this. We are also shown the
two Airmen, Fairfax and Carstairs played by John D Collins, and, Nicholas
Frankau down below, who speak with accents that mark them out as classy
Englishmen. It is noticeable that when Crabtree speaks to them he adopts the
same accent. (It should be noted Crabtree is actually meant to be a British
Secret Agent).
Back at the Cafe, Edith is
disguised as her mother, and looking rather convincing. Alfonse turns up to
suggest using his old ice-cream truck, which Rene points out hasn’t run since
it broke down in 1934, as a cover to help them get the airmen out, after all he
can’t go hammering at the rusty grating in the middle of the town square anyone
could see. Rene sets off, walking awkwardly to deliver the sausages.
In The Square, standing over
the grating, Rene is accosted by one of the German Officers, Lieutenant Gruber,
played by Guy Siner; and hastily invents a cover story about getting rid
of old food from the cafe that is passed it’s “Eat By date” by dropping
it straight down the drain. If they put it in the dustbin someone might find
it. It’s noticeable how good Gordon Kaye is at delivering this script
with a perfectly straight face. Actually that is true of all the actors.
At Herr Flick’s hideout, Herr
Flick, of the Gestapo (played by Richard Gibson), is instructing his
assistant Von Smallhaussen (played by John Louis Mansi) to forge a
painting by numbers. It is a painting of “the fallen madonna with the big
boobies” which they have stolen from the Chateau. The plan is to put the
forgery in the desk of one of the German officers, and then get a message to
the General saying that is where the stolen painting is, so that the Colonel
will then be sent to the Russian Front, thus getting him out of their way.
Meanwhile, Herr Flick is going to take some flowers to Private Helga (his
girlfriend).
At the, well I’m not quite
sure what to call it, so I shall refer to it as the German Officer’s Office, or
perhaps just The Office. In the outer office, Private Helga, played by Kim
Hartman, is packing to go away on a training course. She is standing behind
her desk, sitting, somewhat demurely to right of this (Helga’s left) is another
girl, whose red curls are pinned up neatly and like Helga she wears the hat and
uniform of a Nazi Private, a pair of distinctive sparkling brown eyes gaze out
at the camera. You can’t help but notice her. This is of course Private Elsa
Bigsten played by Louise Gold. When she speaks she uses an interesting
guttural accent, which had I just heard it on record I might not have immediately
recognised as one of the many in Louise Gold’s vast repertoire of
accents, except that her shear volume is distinctive. While packing Helga is
also explaining to her replacement where to find the stationary. Finishing with
the instruction that if she needs to know anything else, to ask Lieutenant
Gruber; Who of course promptly enters, and introduction over, informs Elsa
that he may have some overtime for her one evening, her
expressive face conveys just how very keen she seems on that idea. In the Inner
Office, the German Officers, Lieutenant Gruber along with the Colonel played by
Richard Marner and Bertolli played by Roger Kitten, are
discussing the new girl, she seems keen and very attractive. She has also given
them all the eye, even Gruber, and he “Can’t think why” (the latter
being a reference to Gruber’s sexuality). At this point Elsa flings open the
door and loudly announces General Von Klinkerhoffen, prompting The Colonel to
remark “We shall have to get some cheese for our ears, this new girl is
worse than Helga”. In fact it soon becomes obvious that the scriptwriters
have made good use of Louise Gold’s powerful voice, having her
frequently bellow her lines. Elsa salutes fairly neatly, as General Von
Klinkerhoffen played by Hilary Minster enters. He has come to demand to
know what progress the trio have made in recovering the painting of the
fallen madonna which was stolen from his headquarters, in The Chateau.
The three state what are presumably their usual excuses, to which he says dryly
“In other words you’ve made no progress at all”, and departs threatening
them with being sent to the Russian front. In the outer office, we have a
camera angle now from behind Helga’s desk. Elsa is seated, busy with a
typewriter, Louise Gold’s nimble fingers look convincing at carrying out
this activity. You also can’t help noticing her bright lipstick (it turns out
there’s a reason for this). Herr Flick arrives with his flowers, and on
enquiring after Helga is informed by Elsa “She has gone on a course, I’m her
replacement.” As Helga is away, Flick decides that Elsa will do, and
suggests a date. She replies that as she is new here, she had thinks she should
ask permission first. Rising to her feet she marches graciously to the inner
office. The trio initially try to dissuade her, as Flick is not very nice, but
then the Colonel has the bright idea that actually it would be a good
opportunity to spy on Herr Flick and orders Elsa to go on the date and report
back on everything Herr Flick says. They also ask her to keep an eye open for a
painting of a woman “with big boobies”, at which some bright spark says
“They may not seem big to you, but they do to us.” Clearly the
script-writers have noticed that the actress herself is rather well endowed in
that department. Elsa returns smartly to the Outer Office, and informs Her
Flick that she may date him, and tells him he can kiss her. Whereupon she lifts
him up by his coat lapels, so that he can do so. She is rather taller than him,
especially with heels on. The camera momentarily cuts to a shot of the floor,
where we can see that Richard Gibson’s feet are about a foot or two off
the floor. Though I am not sure if Louise was actually holding him up herself
or if she had some assistance, that was not quite clear (as the camera never
showed them both full length during this moment). Back on terra firmer, as Herr
Flick exits we can see the lipstick smudges on his face.
Back in the square, Leclerc
played by Robin Parkinson is wheeling Edith in the wheelchair, but stops
over the wrong grating, involving the airmen having the splash through the
sewer to reach the soup, and just as they get their, Rene noticing the mistake
has sent Leclerc away and moved the chair to the correct grating, so they have
to splash back, by which time the soup has run out.
At Herr Flick’s HQ, there is
a knock on the door and on enquiring who it is, a distinctive loud voice
informs him it is Private Elsa Bigstern. Flick sends Von Smallhausen to “his
cupboard”. Elsa marches in smartly, and very soon takes complete command of
both the situation and the scene. If you have an actress with such a
distinctive commanding presence as Louise Gold has, then it makes sense
for the scriptwriters and the director to make use of it, which they certainly
do. Elsa instructs Herr Flick to remove his glasses, when he objects, quick as
a flash she does it for him. Clearly a strong powerful woman, and a
strong-minded one too; as she informs him that she thinks a woman should
take the lead in a relationship. Von Smallhausen tells Herr Flick he is on
his own, as he is locking himself in his cupboard. Next Elsa demands that he
removes his tie. “I don’t strip on a first date” protests Herr Flick. So
Elsa’s nimble fingers, swiftly do it for him. If you have an actress with the
skilful hands of an experienced hand-and-rod-puppeteer then it’s sensible to
make use of her abilities. That done, she lunges towards him with a smile on
her expressive face and a glint in her eyes. At which point the camera cuts.
Back at the square, Rene drives
the Ice-cream truck over the grating. Inside are Yvette and Mimi, suitably
attired, and Alfonse with his equipment. Unfortunately, the German Officers,
Gruber, The Colonel and Bertorelli arrive, but they settle themselves down at
the Cafe’s outdoor tables some way away. Then General Von Klinkerhoffen drives
up, and asks his staff who gave permission for the Ice-Cream truck to be in the
square. None of them did. Gruber calls Rene over, who has to defend trying to
sell ice-cream without a licence. Eventually he invites all four Officers over
for some ice-cream, unfortunately when the waitresses try to produce a cornet
the ice-cream squirts all over the German Officers. Concluding the episode.
Private Elsa certainly made
her presence felt in the episode, especially with her loud voice, and
impressive height, and majestic movement. She scriptwriters and the director
have made good use of Louise Gold’s capabilities. Though it is perhaps a
little strange to have such a brown-eyed redhead as a Nazi officer. But this is
a comedy so one need not worry too much about the fine details like that,
especially not when the Amazonian actress is used so effectively.
Series 7, Episode 11
The episode opens in the
backyard of Cafe Rene, where Rene himself is standing with a tray. He explains
that the town square is too full of Germans, so they are going to lower a tray
of sandwiches down the grating in the cafe backyard and float it along to the
airmen, who are still stuck down the drain in the town square. Mimi enters,
clad in a rather revealing blue outfit. She explains she is going sunbathing,
and suggests Rene join her. He declines, retrieving the bottle of olive oil
(which she has been using as a sun tan lotion), as he needs the rest of it for
his cooking. Just as she exits, Yvette enters, even more scantily clad, in a
red outfit (bikini perhaps). She embraces Rene, just as Edith enters. Rene
pretends that Yvette fainted, due to sunstroke, because she didn’t have her hat
on, and he caught her. She exits. Rene and Edith carry on preparing the tray,
at which point Michelle enters. They lower the tray down. With her famous “Lesson
very carefully I shall say zis only once” catchphrase Michelle tells them
of her latest plan to get the airmen out, under cover of a Gypsy Fair (she has
found some paperwork giving some right to hold a Gypsy Fair) and enlists Rene
and Edith’s assistance in asking the Gypsies; threatening them with some of the
more “trigger happy” of her resistance girls if they do not. On learning
that Mimi and Yvette have gone sunbathing, she decides to join them. When Rene
protests that she is not dressed for it, she takes off her coat, to reveal that
underneath she is wearing a revealing black outfit, just right for sunbathing;
as she says in the resistance they have to be ready for anything.
Down the drain we meet the
two hungry airmen. Soon the tray comes floating along. However rats have eaten
the sandwiches all but the crusts, they have left the rock cakes, but when they
airmen taste them, they decide the rats can have those too, and throw them in
the water.
At Herr Flick’s place, Herr
Flick tells Von Smallhausen to stand by the door, as he expecting Elsa, and she
is never late. He looks at his watch and counts down from ten to -1 at which
point Elsa enters. He tells her she is late. She apologises, saying that she “was
titivating” “That would take some time” acknowledges Herr Flick.
Tall Elsa strides in gracious and swift. She informs Herr Flick that he can
press against her bosom. But when he says he is not up to that today she steps
back gracefully. Herr Flick informs Elsa that he has a job for her. He wants
her to take The Colonel, Lieutenant Gruber, and Bertolli out one evening, so
that he can slip into their office, and hide a painting. “Of the fallen
Madonna with the big boobies” interrupts Von Smallhausen, who is swiftly
cut off by Herr Flick telling him not to reveal too much to Elsa. Herr Flick
continues, to explain that The General will think the three officers have
stolen it, and have them all sent to the Russian Front. Elsa, with that
extraordinary guttural accent (what a deft mistress of accents Louise Gold is)
tells Otto (Elsa and Herr Flick are on first name terms by now) that “it is
a masterly plan”. At this point the telephone rings. Herr Flick tells Von
Smallhausen to answer it. “It had better not be another woman” growls
Elsa swiftly embracing Otto her big strong arms, and kissing him, passionately.
There is a quick cut to Helga, away on her training course, using her last
coins. She thinks she is talking to Herr Flick and enjoys hearing his heavy
breathing. Cutting back to Herr Flick’s place, as Von Smallhausen removes the
telephone from his ear, to say “I think it’s a wrong number”, Elsa takes
her lips away from Otto’s, as soon as Von Smallhausen says “I’ll just check”,
Elsa goes back to passionately kissing Otto. There is a brief cut to Helga
talking on the phone, and then, when the money runs out, back at Herr Flick’s,
with Von Smallhausen declaring that “It was a wrong number”, and that he
is just going “to take a cold shower”. “Leave it running” says
Otto, whom Elsa has again momentarily released enough for him to speak,
although he is still in her arms. This scene is really very funny, not least
for its role reversal qualities. There are similar moments in other comedies,
and in musicals (Kiss Me Kate has one example), where someone,
usually a leading man, is kissing one of the women passionately in order for
her not to say something he doesn’t want someone else in the room to know
about. But this time it is the woman who has the man in her embrace. Which of
course makes rather good use of having a rather tall woman and short man
together.
Rene and Edit visit the Gypsy
camp. The old Romany reads their palms. He thinks he met Edith when she was a
child, and wonders if she is a lost Gypsy Princess, but decides that in the end
she is only a distant cousin of one. However, more importantly he agrees they
will hold the fair, as they need the money.
We come to one of the
highlights of the episode, an evening in the cafe. The Colonel, Lieutenant
Gruber, and, Bertolli are all present, as is Private Elsa, who is leaning
against the piano. Gruber is seated at it. Elsa asks loudly if they would like
her to sing. The Colonel thinks that seems like a good idea. Elsa asks
Gruber “Lieutenant, do you know Naughty Lola?” He replies “You lead
and I’ll Follow” At which with all the presence of a real professional, and
a sassy twinkle in her sparkling brown eyes, Louise Gold strikes a pose
and begins to sing, wrapping her
glorious voice around the song. The song incidentally is in fact, They
Call Me Naughty Lola, an English translation of the Marlene Dietrich
classic Ich Bin Die Feche Lola, from the film Der
Blaue Engel (English translation The Blue Angel). She
moves swayingly like the accomplished performer that she is, and soon takes up
a classic Dietrich position with her right foot on a chair, hiking up her
skirt, to reveal the stockings and suspenders underneath. One cannot help
noticing how much she is acting the song, as though she really means it. Her
face, especially her eyes, are very expressive and convincing (as they usually
are when she is singing). There is a cut to Edith and Rene who are polishing
glasses at the other end of the room, with Edith saying “That girl is
singing, and off key.” To which Rene retorts “Your ears are cleaner than
mine”. This is in fact a joke on
on-going joke, Madame Edith is the cafe’s regular singer, but in fact Carmen Silvera couldn’t really sing in
tune. Thus the idea of having her complain about another woman singing off-key
is funny, especially when the women is someone who happens to be a rather good
singer). Edith may not take too kindly
to Elsa’s singing, but judging by the expressions on their faces, The Colonel
and Bertolli evidently find it very attractive. Coming to a repeated chorus,
Elsa loudly asks everyone to join in, which many of them seem only too
delighted to do, although we can of course still hear her loud and clear.
However, they do not get very far, for the door opens, and in comes General Von
Klinkenhoffern, with some soldiers. Elsa immediately stops singing, takes her
foot off the chair, letting her skirt fall back to its usual correct position,
and then swiftly strides round to stand with the other Officers standing to
attention. The General informs the other Nazi Officers that they are under
arrest for stealing the painting, which he has found in The Colonel’s desk
draw; and tells the soldiers to take them to the dungeons of the chateau.
Lieutenant Gruber points out that the dungeons have no doors to them, because
the doors had woodworm and were sent away for repairs, on the General’s orders.
So The General tells the soldiers to take them to the town gaol. “This won’t
look good on my CV” remarks Gruber as they are led away. Edith remarks on
how sad the arrest is. Rene agrees, but only because they haven’t paid for
their beer. At this point LeClerc enters, disguised as a Gypsy clothes peg seller.
He has come to inform them that the Gypsy’s have pulled out of doing the fair,
something about a black cat walking backwards crossing the chief Romany’s path,
which he takes as a bad omen. Just then Yvette enters, to say that Michelle is
in the back room.
Leaving Yvette to mind the
bar, Rene and Edith go into the back room. On hearing that the Gypsy’s have
cancelled, Michelle says that in that case they must just do the fair
themselves. She suggests that Rene be the Great Romany, Edith the bearded lady.
While the resistance girls will also help out. Between them they plan it.
In the town gaol, the four
Nazi Officers are sitting in a row on a bench, from left to right they are: The
Colonel, Bertolli, Lieutenant Gruber, and, Private Elsa. In turn each bemoans
the situation, until they get to Elsa, who declares “There’s one way out”.
She gets up and walks swiftly to a convenient chair, near the colonel. By
standing on it, this tall woman can reach the window. She grasps the window
bars in two of her powerful hands, and starts to pull them apart. But The
Colonel says, with conviction “No Elsa we’d be in even more trouble if we
escaped”; reluctantly she moves the bars back, and steps down off the
chair. I couldn’t help noticing how Richard Marner spoke that line with
such feeling. It is also clear that the scriptwriters evidently decided to make
the most of having such a big strong girl, with her broad puppeteer’s shoulders
in the cast. For Louise Gold is fairly strong anyway (being a Spitting
Image puppeteer she has to be), but she also looks so Amazonian. Thus
is made good sense to hype her strength up for comic effect. As Elsa steps off
the chair, The Gendarme enters with a tray, “Good Moaning” he says (his
catchphrase), and informs them he has brought “Four migs of two”. Each takes a mug. When one of the guys asks
about breakfast, he replies that this is prison and they are lucky to
get the two. At the point General Von Klinkerhoffen enters, to say that it’s
all a mistake. On closer examination he has realised that the painting
is a fake. Therefore they are all released. He does however ask the colonel
“But what is a forgery doing in your desk?” The colonel says it was left
over from the forgeries they had done to fool the resistance. The General
invited them to a slap up breakfast at the chateau. As they troupe out, passing
The Gendarme left to right, each puts their mug awkwardly on the tray with
their right hands, except Louise Gold (the last to exit), who (typically
of her) uses her left. The door slams shut, accidentally shutting the Gendarme
in the gaol.
At the Gypsy Fair, the three
German Officers (The Colonel, Lieutenant Gruber, and Bertolli) soon recognise Rene, despite his boot polish.
Rene explains that the Gypsies had to cancel, so they are doing the fair
themselves because “We didn’t want to disappoint your men”. Mimi is
running the shooting gallery (after all she is also a resistance girl and
Rene’s bodyguard). Bertolli has a go; he is not too good a shot, and hits one
of the vases that is a prize by mistake. Meanwhile, The Gendarme is running the
coconut shy. If a coconut is knocked down Yvette, who is sitting on a platform
above them will also tumble. The Colonel has a go, he doesn’t hit any coconuts,
but leaning too heavily on the set brings Yvette down anyway. Leclarec meets up
with Edith, who does not like being dressed as a Bearded Woman, but she
will do it for the resistance. Michelle meets Rene in the fortune tellers tent.
She lifts a rug to get at the stones, and a grating underneath, to speak to the
airmen. It is interesting to note how quickly Kirsten Cooke can switch
accent, to indicate whether her character is meant to be speaking English or
French. When Michelle is speaking French Kirsten uses her classic Allo
Allo accent, when Michelle is speaking English, she goes into this very
classy English accent. Michelle explains that the airmen are to come up at the
other grating by the rifle range, where they won’t be heard. She departs to the
toffee apple stall next door she is manning. Lieutenant Gruber enters. Rene
pretends to tell his fortune. Down in the sewers the airmen find to get to the
other grating they will have to wade through much water, so they decide to come
up this one, which is half off anyway by now. Desperate to keep Gruber in his
tent, so as to keep him away from the rifle range, Rene asks Gruber if he would
like to contact anyone dead. Gruber says yes, he would like to contact Rene’s
twin brother to apologise for shooting him. At this point the rug begins to
heave (Rene realises it’s the airmen), Gruber thinks it is the ghost of Rene’s
twin brother and runs out of the tent. Michelle enters to find out why Gruber
has run out. Edith also enters the airmen emerge, soon followed by three more
(who have been lost in the sewer system for months). Michelle introduces the
newcomers to Rene and Edith, and explains that the Cafe is a safe house. But
the new airmen are so appalled by Edith’s appearance, with her still being
dressed as the bearded lady, that they decide to take their chance in the
sewers); and with that the episode ends.
Private Elsa had been good in
the previous episode. This time Louise Gold got a chance to really use
her talents as both a comedy actress and a singer, not to mention her size. The
scene with Herr Flick was particularly funny. The scene in the gaol amusing.
But Louise’s real triumph was in the cafe, when she got to sing that Marlene
Dietrich song. It’s lovely to see her singing talents made such good use
of.
Conclusion
Clearly Jeremy Lloyd
and Paul Adam are intelligent knowing exactly how best to make use of Louise
Gold, for the two episodes in which she appears. She was incredibly well
cast as a performer, with the result that for the purposes of this comedy, one
can ignore the fact that her red hair and brown eyes are not exactly typical
looks for a Nazi officer. But this is a comedy, so it doesn’t matter, and
besides she acts it so well. With her flair for accents, she fits right into Allo
Allo with its clever use of accents, to indicate what language is meant
to be being spoken at a given point. Private Elsa is an interesting character
for Louise, it could even be a sort of forerunner to some of the monstrous
women she has since found herself playing on the
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